A consultant ecologist's creed

 

When I began to consult as an ecologist

     Said I to myself — said I

I'll work on a new and original twist

     Said I to myself — said I 

I'll never assume that a client with cash

Is a person with whom I never must clash

Because my new car is expensive and flash

     Said I to myself — said I

Ere I survey at sunset I’ll always take care

     Said I to myself — said I

Substandard equipment I never will bear

     Said I to myself — said I

When a bat flutters past and I don’t know where from

I’ll not scribble notes with egregious aplomb

So that licensing work is certain to come

     Said I to myself — said I

I won’t write reports that contort and confuse

     Said I to myself — said I

Or use fifty words when just four I should choose

     Said I to myself — said I

My recommendations shall be honest and true

Never used to assist my income to accrue

Even though my bank balance is making me blue

     Said I to myself — said I

Though shag-nasty surveys may seem commonplace

     Said I to myself — said I

I'd like to believe I've an honest face

     Said I to myself — said I

I owe to myself and the bats my best work

Though the dodgier clients may offer me perks

That kind of behaviour’s the province of jerks

     Said I to myself — said I

With profuse apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, for ripping off the Lord Chancellor’s song from “Iolanthe” and to all the upstanding consultant ecologists who would never dream of such behaviour.

If Gilbert and Sullivan are new to you, they wrote a series of popular Victorian comic operettas which poked fun at the establishment, in this case the incredibly corrupt legal system of the 1800s (seriously – Victorian lawyers and judges made Boris Johnson look like an honest little angel).  The Lord Chancellor's song

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