Super-speedy-cheap bat surveys!

Roll up, roll up people, get them while they’re hot,

Super-speedy-cheap surveys, with a detector that I’ve got.

It’s just a cheap detector, neither broad-band nor much use,

But the guidelines are too complex, so I play fast and loose.

My customers know no better, of standards they know not,

As long as I’m cheap and cheerful and the council accept the lot.

The council had an ecologist, laid off due to cuts,

So now I hardly need to lie, in my reports from ‘Comic Cuts’. 

This building needs six people, but we are only three:

My granny, Fred from down the pub and little ‘bat expert’ me.

The client will not notice, so in my report I’ll lie,

And say that there were eight of us, well-equipped and spry.

Granny keeps on wandering and often needs a pee,

And Fred knows nowt about bats, but bull-sh*ts as good as me.

I’ve two more surveys on tonight, so they I must invent,

For we are Super-speedy-cheap, for clients heaven-sent.

Of course I have a license - a really nice one too,

Signed off thirty years ago, by a mate, works down the zoo.

They tell me conservation law has changed in all that time,

It matters not - I always turn, a blind eye to wildlife crime.

We very rarely find a roost, in fact I prefer not to,

It makes my clients happier and keeps us speedy too.

When Licensing’s required, you won’t see me for dust,

For fear of being found out and maybe going bust.

So I’ll keep on doing what I do, and getting away with it,

Doing surveys cheap and quick, but honestly quite sh*t.

I’m hoping council funding continues to be pathetic,

‘Cos neither them, nor SNCOs have time to see I’m at it.

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